I was going to just start writing, but after staring at the blank note-page for an eternity I realized I needed at least a little inspiration. I couldn't stand the thought of writing in such a random and disorganized way about my thoughts and emotions. To remedy this I turned to my travel journal from when we first got out of Rhode Island and came here to Utah.
I am hit at once by the way I ended my very first entry on 5-28: “I am so grateful to God for getting us here safely. I have a great feeling for the rest of this trip.” I am shocked with myself to now find that after over 2 months of being here in Utah a pall has come over my outlook on life. I have stopped even noticing the positives of everyday life. I have ceased to be gratefully for each day God gives me in this place. Hopefully, now that I have realized this I can start trying to be more thankful for what I still have here and stop dwelling on what I don't have.
“If you don't dwell, you will do well” ~E. Newton
I am so glad I was inspired to go back through my travel journal. It is helping me to put into perspective what I am feeling now as compared to what I felt before. I was so optimistic when we started this journey. Even in spite of the trials we faced on the road; the flood in Pennsylvania, the difficulties finding lodging, and the long stretches of driving I did alone, I was optimistic. I know I was not really doing anything alone and I am still not alone. I have forgotten that my Heavenly Father is always with me and will always listen. I have forgotten to talk to Him and unburden my troubles to Him.
I have tried fixing myself with physical things like painting my nails again and putting on make-up more to see if it helps. Though it does help a little to put more care into my appearance, it is not solving anything. I still feel the isolation I mentioned feeling a month ago. It doesn't help to do my make-up and nails then not go out anywhere. Eva and the cat don't care what I look like, so most of the time I don't care either. I have tried to fix my not caring attitude and that has bee why I bother with my appearance more now. I don't want to become so lax in my self-maintenance that I don't keep myself healthy and clean.
Looking back I am so glad I wrote my thoughts and feelings down during our period of transition. I found this statement from June 22: “My feeling of depression is caused by this feeling of isolation and aloneness. Like my mind is becoming the desert we now live in.”
Lately I have felt trapped my monotonous daily activities; washing dishes, doing laundry, putting away laundry and keeping the house tidy in general. Today I thought about walking over to the park, but looked around the house and realized I had too much to get done. It really helps to empty my head onto a piece of paper. This way it isn't just festering in my mind, and I can look back on it later and think things out more clearly. Also I can share my feelings in this way since I am usually finding trouble voicing my feelings in an effective way. Written word seems to work better for me than spoken word does.